Haven't updated this in a while. Well, the semester has started, it's had its ups and downs. Our apartment is under not-so-great management, so still no internet, no laundry facilities, a lot of lying. I'm out of here once the lease is up. I do have a strange love for the Verona though.... I should take pics of it I suppose.

I am currently sick, like everyone else in MI right now. I hope it goes away soon. It's got me down. It's such a fine line between alright and depressed for me, I don't need this too. My thinking patterns are so destructive sometimes.

I am currently looking into study abroad programs. I have an appointment with a lady tomorrow to talk about some stuff. Was thinking an academic year in Israel, but now I am looking more at a 1 month intensive Hebrew program in Jerusalem. I just don't know if I can leave for that long right now. The adventurous part of me wants to go all the way, but another part wants to stay. Maybe it would be hard for me right now, in a couple ways, to spent a year away. I don't want to ever regret it later though. I think the summer program would be good, and I can always go back later. It would be so awesome to work overseas. Just live there for a while, live your life in a strategic way, in a strategic place. Love people there, have an impact for God, and a lot of fun in the meantime. It's not complicated (except for work visas haha), but it's just going somewhere that needs Jesus, and living your life. It's so simple.

I have a lot of homework and I'm trying not to get overwhelmed by it. I get overwhelmed by life a lot lately it seems. I need to chill and just take it one day at a time. I'm not enjoying the present moment lately, and I want to. My mind is always somewhere else, worrying about something else. Like how I need a job. Ha. Which I do. It creates a tremendous amount of anxiety inside of me even thinking about it though, because of my drive for perfection. I've had some real inner battles with employment in the past. I would consider myself a good worker, I try really hard at any task given to me. I'm really hard on myself if I can't get something perfect. Sometimes a useful critique from someone can go to my head and turn into something else altogether. I'm trying to work through this stuff. I need to, because I need to be employed!

Well, off to do homework. Pray for me, that I can be more light-hearted about it. It's not a life or death situation here.

I just want to praise God for counseling. I started going 2 weeks ago, and it's been really great. I've had a lot of problems with anxiety/panic disorder and I usually choose to ignore it, but it can dictate my life and control me. The doctor had recommended that I "see somebody", but I decided that was for people with "real problems". Enough was enough when I was so frightened that I couldn't even go to something I had been so excited about...

It's just been really good for me to talk through some stuff with someone, see what is going on under the surface in my thoughts. Some of the things I am saying to myself are just so destructive... and they are automatic thoughts now. It's just cool to recognize where all this fear is coming from, and to see that I can control it. I've got a while to go, but it's cool just to start being aware of my reactions to situations. I'm excited to be free from being controlled by irrational thoughts. It's cool. And it's free through Wayne State.

So I have... a boyfriend. It's kinda weird to hear that. Singleness seemed to be a large part of my identity for so long. And it has been a really long time. So it feels like the first time. The 2 others were jokes anyways. I like him, but it's weird, and I'm pretty sure I couldn't be any more awkward.